labor day

geoff's drinking too much the past few weeks. His moods are against me. We're getting married in six months and I'm nervous he's gonna yell at me in the morning with his hangover from partying this weekend with Jay, Jessie, Rory and Mattie. I was at my aunt's going over wedding plans with my cousin. I had a great time. had 3 glasses of wine sunday. and a margarita on labor day. Simple. Light. atleast compared to normal. I feel good. I like being sober. I like being fucked up. But I enjoy being sober. I come home to a mess. Glass on the floor. laundry everywhere. Jessie and Geoff are drunk. Jessie is blackout drunk and looked like she had been that way for a week. Geoff did ecstasy with mattie in the quarter on sunday and then ended up with Jay and Jessie. Got drunk. He slept on their couch. He got no sleep because they were fucked up and fighting all night. I mean me and geoff split an adderoll and played music all night the night before. I know its not just him. Its me too. I just want him to be sober with me sometimes. I want him to enjoy being sober. He can once he makes that step. but for him, it has to be a few days. not just one day. It fucks with his mood. I'm here for him always. I just hate when he's like this. Apparently Jessie tried to kiss him twice too. I know he loves me and would never cheat on me. I trust him. He even told me right off the bat. But then Jessie went drunk bipolar and started fighting with geoff and then trying to pick a fight with me. I don't need another drunken Jill in my life. I was getting her out of our house so geoff could relax and eat and go to bed. He didn't eat at all in the 36 hours I was gone. I got crazy Jessie home. Came back. Warmed him up some food because i could just tell without him saying it that he hadnt eaten. So i warmed up a pork chop and some peas. of course he has 3 bites and then bitches. he wanted mac and cheese. well we didn't have milk. but we had dirty rice mix and ground meat so i made that instead. But he still tries to pick fights with me. He hasnt showered or brushed his teeth in days. I hate it. I want him better. He doesnt realize what he says to me when he drinks. I hope he's not a morning grinch tomorrow. I need him to be nice to me. Damn it. I hate this.

Death and Prison

So my Father in law went to prison for 30 days.... I wrote him a letter while he was there. I couldn't sleep one night and I just wrote it. I didn't realize it would take me 3 hours to write it. I didn't know how to approach it. I was mad at him for getting his 7th DWI. I was mad at him for hurting his wife almost physically and emotionally. I was mad at him for hurting his sons. I was also empathic to him surviving cancer 3 times and not understanding why he's alive. So i wrote him a letter...

Dear Frank,

It's weird writing this letter. I want to keep your spirits up and encourage you at this time, but also I'm frustrated with you. I'm very empathic to your situation. I know you're struggling. We're (me,kathy,geoff, and mike) trying to help and be supportive because we love you, but also you just keep drinking and we don't understand why. Geoff looks upto you greatly. You're smart, kind and generous. He's still so proud of you. This is especially tough for him because your drinking is tarnishing his views of you and I know he HATES to look down upon you. He loves you. Kathy is just very frustrated but still so in love with you. she's really trying. I know you're mad at her for talking to us about this but She just needs a release. I know it's not fund for her either when you are drinking. I'm sure she's worried very much about you in jail. She wouldn't of sent you another calling card or went to court for you on your sentencing. Now with that, comes my view of your situation. It's not my place, but I think you should hear it.
 I've been very close to a few friends that have struggled with kidney disease (passed at 18), Leukemia (3 times at the age of 26) and death (27 yr old died in January in a non-alcohol related car accident). You have survived cancer multiple times and you're still cancer free! you should be enjoying life, not drinking and driving. You're alienating yourself from your familiy. Your oldest son is getting married next march ( and I want you there or I'll kick your ass back to prison). We also want to have kids in the next two years, so you'll be a grandpa soon. The kids can't be around drunk Frank. You have so much knowledge to share, don't take it for granted.
My three friends lives are gone at such a young age. I'm not religious at all but there's some purpose you're here at the wonderful age of 64! My grandma betty is 88 and she's my kindred spirit. She can be such a bitch, but she's the most loving, cultured, charismatic woman I know. She always put me and my sister first when no one else in my family did. Geoff loves you like  I love her. I think you need a new take on life. Rehab is just to help you control your addictions. Counseling really helped me when I hit rock bottom after getting drugged and sexually assaulted at 20. I just wanted to die, because of the loss of control and awareness. Counseling and Geoff saved my life and showed me that love makes life worth living. ( you have kathy). I struggle with anxiety and depression. It took me three counselors and four different meds to find the right combo, but I believe it really helps. I'm crying and spilling my heart out to you so I hope this letter helps you make some good decisions. Remember Love helps us all through this fucked up world. And we all love you, you ridiculous man, so get your shit together, so i can dance with you at the wedding, see me graduate in december, see me and geoff have children, be a wonderful grandfather, enjoy the next twenty years with your beautiful wife in retirement, and watch Michael continue to suceed. We all want you on this crazy ride of life with us.
So try rehab for real, help kick your addiction, try to quit smoking too if possible, get an outside source(counselor) just to relate your thoughts to, I swear it helps. It helped geoff in outpatient rehab two years ago. Just try it again for me. See you very soon if not June, then August. If you couldn't tell from this long ass letter. I love you Pop.
Rachel

charles bukowski

I've always wanted to share my stories, I just didn't know how. I think I've discovered a way. The Charles Bukowski way. Poems, Lax Poems, Tells stories how i tell them, without grammer or judgement. I want to make one of these books to tell my children and grandchildren and greatgrandchildren my ridiculous life. The people I encounter.

The book I found in the Faulkerhouse Bookstore was Love is a dog from hell by Charles Bukowski.
He makes me laugh, feel, and relate to all his poems, and or stories.

Disrespect

It's really the worst when people don't respect one another. This generation is getting worst with disrespect for others. Everyone is so focused on themselves. There's so many reality shows based on stupid rich people who are obsessed with themselves and their followers obsessed over them. Well my boyfriend is a follower of Jill's alcoholic wannabe reality show. Tonight she came over for dinner along with my boyfriend, no one asked me. But still ok... So I'm cooking baked curry chicken, rosmary garlic potatoes and corn. So the sides are done but the chicken is still baking in the oven. So I went with Geoff to smoke a cigarette to talk to him about why he brought wasted Jill here and that I overheard her inviting her new flavor of the week over without asking. So we go back inside and I pull out the chicken. I go to serve up 3 plates for us and there's no corn left and half the potatoes are gone.... She ate them while we were outside taking about her disrespecting Geoff which he doesn't see it. And there so goes being a selfish using bitch again. Then of course, she goes on a drunken rant about how it's so hard for her to find a good guy and her roommate is jealous which I doubt. He's moving out because of her craziness in 2 weeks... Just blah blah blah my life is terrible blah blah. She makes her life terrible. She causes all of her own problems. And I had always hated people like that. Just stupid. Be grateful you didn't have drama before you created it.
Angry rant over. Now to go smoke and have a glass of wine.
Hopefully I'm not bitching about this again next week

Annoyed

I wonder if alcoholics and drug users annoy other people as much as they annoy me. Even in movies, I get annoyed now at the characters. They say they are gonna be home at a certain time, they aren't. They say they won't do it again, they do. They know it's not good for them and they know they hurt others but they don't care. They only care about getting fucked up.  I want to help them. They don't want help. I'm just frustrated. With dani, Geoff, and with frank. I'm watching st Vincent and he's a gambling alcoholic. I can't believe he gambled 2700 away instead of using it to pay his wife's nursing home rent. I can't believe frank is getting drunk instead of taking care of Kathy when she has a broken ankle and can't work. I can't believe dani is still getting drunk out of his mind everyday even though his mom died the same way and his dad is heartbroken that he's gonna lose his son the same way he lost his wife. And I just don't want to deal with Geoff's drinking for the rest of my life. I deserve better than that. He needs to be stronger for me.

Overthinking

I'm relaxing on a Sunday morning, in bed with my pets watching house of cards. Geoff is out of town in Arizona. We haven't really been getting along this past month. I want to say it's money related, but I feel like there are more issues lying underneath. I've been thinking about if I could end it and be happy still. He makes me happy but also stresses me to death. But I don't want to lose someone who I have no secrets from and I'm completely open with. I enjoy our home together. My crazy family loves him and I truly love his crazy family. Kathy is having a hard time with Frank and his drinking. This scares me because I can see Geoff doing things his father does. And I don't wanna to hurt like Kathy is hurting. It already kills me when he's drunk and has said that I'm useless and an idiot. That can't happen anymore. Only twice, it has happened. But I'm saying once twice. I'll already let it happen. I want to help him and leaving him for awhile, may help him or it may not. Then I'll feel terribly guilty as I do with anyone I care deeply about.

Now I need some me time. Shower. Shave my legs. Paint fingernails and toenails. Make asparagus soup. Clean up house. And pay entergy.

the week after MG....

So Mardi Gras ended... thank god! yesterday i got the last of the 8 people that stayed with us during MG 2015. The last person to go was the worst. My friend brought him here and then left him here with us to deal with. He's past the point of being communicable. He's drinking makes his IQ like a 40. He also does flush the toliet....ever. he never asked if he could stay, just moved on into our living room for the day. I'm also his drunken brain tried to steal my keys, we asked him to search his pockets multiple times and he did, but only found my 3 detached keychains but none of my keys...... Finally when he realized we werent leaving until we had keys, he miraculously found them in his jeans pockets, that i had watched him check previously...... no comment.

Well now, for whatever fucking reason, My boyfriend has decided he's going to help him with his alcoholism even though, geoff can't control his alcoholism. He was out until 2:00am with Jill and Tabe(new guy) drinking and smoking pot. I had been waiting on him at home since 9pm and then he had the nerve to ask if i had cooked anything at 2 fucking AM. eventually he had set enough rude remarks at me while i was trying to sleep, for me to move to the guest bed. so 7am comes around and he moves into the guest bed with me, i let him. 10am we wake up and someone is at the door. ohhhh its fucking Tabe (im gonna call him Table because it autocorrects that way and hes as dumb as a table). and so naturally, geoff just takes the dog and locks the door and leaves without telling me anything. and he of course leaving his dead phone here, meanwhile his dad is texting me where he is, and i can't tell him the truth. but god, do i feel like it...

I know I don't make things easier for him either, but my things are not a choice. Mine are "my grandpa died, i need you". Mine are "I totaled my car and i need your support". His are " should i stay home and eat something not drink like Rachel would want?" or "I'm gonna do what my addiction is telling me.... and Drink at Jill's because she won't guilt trip me about it like Rachel will". So, of course, he does the latter....

I dont know how to deal with him like this anymore, i'm hitting a breaking point. He's stressing to me about bills and money, yet i'm not spending any and he's constantly spending on beer and cigarettes, But i'm the asshole for not working more....

I'm also realizing that he took the truck so I can't do anything I would like to do. I just wish he would of asked and not just left like he did. He apparently doesn't respect me enough. He'll say I'm bad at communication. which sometimes its hard for me to tell him my every move, thats not my style. but never for more than 2 hours, while he keeps me waiting for 6 hours, and acts like thats fine.

Just fucking over it, i think. I wish I wasn't sure on what to do.... but i know what I'll probably have to do eventually. Because its been two years, and yes he's overall gotten better with his drinking, but he'll never quit and I need him to....