labor day

geoff's drinking too much the past few weeks. His moods are against me. We're getting married in six months and I'm nervous he's gonna yell at me in the morning with his hangover from partying this weekend with Jay, Jessie, Rory and Mattie. I was at my aunt's going over wedding plans with my cousin. I had a great time. had 3 glasses of wine sunday. and a margarita on labor day. Simple. Light. atleast compared to normal. I feel good. I like being sober. I like being fucked up. But I enjoy being sober. I come home to a mess. Glass on the floor. laundry everywhere. Jessie and Geoff are drunk. Jessie is blackout drunk and looked like she had been that way for a week. Geoff did ecstasy with mattie in the quarter on sunday and then ended up with Jay and Jessie. Got drunk. He slept on their couch. He got no sleep because they were fucked up and fighting all night. I mean me and geoff split an adderoll and played music all night the night before. I know its not just him. Its me too. I just want him to be sober with me sometimes. I want him to enjoy being sober. He can once he makes that step. but for him, it has to be a few days. not just one day. It fucks with his mood. I'm here for him always. I just hate when he's like this. Apparently Jessie tried to kiss him twice too. I know he loves me and would never cheat on me. I trust him. He even told me right off the bat. But then Jessie went drunk bipolar and started fighting with geoff and then trying to pick a fight with me. I don't need another drunken Jill in my life. I was getting her out of our house so geoff could relax and eat and go to bed. He didn't eat at all in the 36 hours I was gone. I got crazy Jessie home. Came back. Warmed him up some food because i could just tell without him saying it that he hadnt eaten. So i warmed up a pork chop and some peas. of course he has 3 bites and then bitches. he wanted mac and cheese. well we didn't have milk. but we had dirty rice mix and ground meat so i made that instead. But he still tries to pick fights with me. He hasnt showered or brushed his teeth in days. I hate it. I want him better. He doesnt realize what he says to me when he drinks. I hope he's not a morning grinch tomorrow. I need him to be nice to me. Damn it. I hate this.

Death and Prison

So my Father in law went to prison for 30 days.... I wrote him a letter while he was there. I couldn't sleep one night and I just wrote it. I didn't realize it would take me 3 hours to write it. I didn't know how to approach it. I was mad at him for getting his 7th DWI. I was mad at him for hurting his wife almost physically and emotionally. I was mad at him for hurting his sons. I was also empathic to him surviving cancer 3 times and not understanding why he's alive. So i wrote him a letter...

Dear Frank,

It's weird writing this letter. I want to keep your spirits up and encourage you at this time, but also I'm frustrated with you. I'm very empathic to your situation. I know you're struggling. We're (me,kathy,geoff, and mike) trying to help and be supportive because we love you, but also you just keep drinking and we don't understand why. Geoff looks upto you greatly. You're smart, kind and generous. He's still so proud of you. This is especially tough for him because your drinking is tarnishing his views of you and I know he HATES to look down upon you. He loves you. Kathy is just very frustrated but still so in love with you. she's really trying. I know you're mad at her for talking to us about this but She just needs a release. I know it's not fund for her either when you are drinking. I'm sure she's worried very much about you in jail. She wouldn't of sent you another calling card or went to court for you on your sentencing. Now with that, comes my view of your situation. It's not my place, but I think you should hear it.
 I've been very close to a few friends that have struggled with kidney disease (passed at 18), Leukemia (3 times at the age of 26) and death (27 yr old died in January in a non-alcohol related car accident). You have survived cancer multiple times and you're still cancer free! you should be enjoying life, not drinking and driving. You're alienating yourself from your familiy. Your oldest son is getting married next march ( and I want you there or I'll kick your ass back to prison). We also want to have kids in the next two years, so you'll be a grandpa soon. The kids can't be around drunk Frank. You have so much knowledge to share, don't take it for granted.
My three friends lives are gone at such a young age. I'm not religious at all but there's some purpose you're here at the wonderful age of 64! My grandma betty is 88 and she's my kindred spirit. She can be such a bitch, but she's the most loving, cultured, charismatic woman I know. She always put me and my sister first when no one else in my family did. Geoff loves you like  I love her. I think you need a new take on life. Rehab is just to help you control your addictions. Counseling really helped me when I hit rock bottom after getting drugged and sexually assaulted at 20. I just wanted to die, because of the loss of control and awareness. Counseling and Geoff saved my life and showed me that love makes life worth living. ( you have kathy). I struggle with anxiety and depression. It took me three counselors and four different meds to find the right combo, but I believe it really helps. I'm crying and spilling my heart out to you so I hope this letter helps you make some good decisions. Remember Love helps us all through this fucked up world. And we all love you, you ridiculous man, so get your shit together, so i can dance with you at the wedding, see me graduate in december, see me and geoff have children, be a wonderful grandfather, enjoy the next twenty years with your beautiful wife in retirement, and watch Michael continue to suceed. We all want you on this crazy ride of life with us.
So try rehab for real, help kick your addiction, try to quit smoking too if possible, get an outside source(counselor) just to relate your thoughts to, I swear it helps. It helped geoff in outpatient rehab two years ago. Just try it again for me. See you very soon if not June, then August. If you couldn't tell from this long ass letter. I love you Pop.
Rachel

charles bukowski

I've always wanted to share my stories, I just didn't know how. I think I've discovered a way. The Charles Bukowski way. Poems, Lax Poems, Tells stories how i tell them, without grammer or judgement. I want to make one of these books to tell my children and grandchildren and greatgrandchildren my ridiculous life. The people I encounter.

The book I found in the Faulkerhouse Bookstore was Love is a dog from hell by Charles Bukowski.
He makes me laugh, feel, and relate to all his poems, and or stories.